I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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