Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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