I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
