You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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