This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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