I could have mohawked her pubes.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
