So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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