Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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