On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
