people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
