is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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