theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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