Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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