Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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