apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize