so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
