Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
