Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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