I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
