You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
