Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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