Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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