Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
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I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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