On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
