I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Terrible idea I love it
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
