So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
