just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.