M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
