you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
