I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
