she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
As shirtless as possible
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
