i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
