I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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