I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
