Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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