You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
its liver damage thursday
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
