Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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