My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
