Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
