My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
