So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
