and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
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Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
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I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
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