Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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