She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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