Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
