So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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