If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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