so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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