It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
you never un-have a 4some
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
