I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
