happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?