sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"