my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
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Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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