you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
