Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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