we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
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So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
soo... how was my night?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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