i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
babies were throwing up all over the place
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
