Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
