I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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