Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
