I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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