i wish semen tasted like chocolate
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
