what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
