Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
